Dads and Daughters

Most Men aren't comfortable with emotions.  When our daughters express themselves or react with their hearts, we tend to think "Why can't she be more rational?" We have some serious learning to do.

Unfortunately, the teenage years are often when a Dad will step back from his daughter.  She's blooming physically and thats a little unsettling.  When her moods get unpredictable - like they often do - the father, even if he was highly involved during her younger years, may get frustrated and step back.

But thats actually when girls need their dads even more.  Studies show that daughters who have loving and understanding fathers through the teen years benefit in very tangible ways - in self-confidence, in achievement, in sexual identity and in avoiding behavioural problems.

So, at anytime, Dad, be ready to ask "How is she feeling?". See how the teen years can be a time when you work through difficulties together and grow closer in the end.

Action Ideas for Dads

Set a GOAL to be a Great Dad !

HUG your Child Daily !

Tell them you LOVE them !

Get to KNOW your kids !

Set a game plan to SPEND TIME together !

Have DINNER together as often as possible !

Action Points

• Put an encouraging note in the textbook/workbook of your child’s hardest subject.
•  Praise your child for something in front of his or her friends.
•  Read a book or short story to your child tonight.  Include him and yourself in the plot.
•  Don’t shy away from your teenage daughter; continue to give her appropriate physical signs of affection.
•  Tell your kids “I need a hug”.
•  Buy five or ten postcards for each child, and on each one write how much you love him/her, and one hope you have for his/her life.  Mail them all over the next month or so.
•  Tell your child a special quality you see in him or her.
•  Ask your daughter what she likes to do with you and set a date to do that together.
•  At the dinner table, tell each child one quality that you appreciate in him or her.

LOVE IS SPELT - T.I.M.E

Dads often forget how much they mean to their children, especally their sons, during the critical years from birth until their middle teens.

Sometimes dads seem to forget that , for a child, love is spelt T.I.M.E, and that dads need to make time for their children.

Maybe the importance of this can be best illustrated by the words of Henry Chaplin's son, titled

"Cats in the Cradle".

My child arrived just the other day; he came into the world in the usual way, but there were planes to catch and bills to pay; he learned to walk while I was away. And he was talking before I knew it, and as he grew he'd say, 'I'm gonna be like you dad, you know I'm gonna be like you'.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. 'When you coming home, dad?'       I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned ten just the other day; he said 'thanks for the ball dad, come, let's play. Can you teach me to throw?'  I said, not today, I got a lot to do.

He said, 'thats okay' and he walked away; but his smile never dimmed; it said 'I'm gonna be like him'.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. 'When you coming home dad?'        I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

Well he came home from college just the other day; so much like a man I just had to say, Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?

He shook his head and said with a smile, 'what I'd really like dad is to borrow the car keys; see you later, can I have them please?'

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. 'When you coming home Son'          I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then.

I've long since retired, my son's moved away; I called him up just the other day.  I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind.

He said, 'I'd love to dad, if I can find the time.  You see my new jobs a hassle and the kids have the flu, but its been sure nice talking to you dad, its been sure nice talking to you.'

And as I hung up the phone it occured to me he'd grown up just like me, my boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. 'When you coming home Son'          I don't know when, but we'll get together then Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.

• SAY IT! Say it often.  Say it at every opportunity.  You may know it, your child is still growing up and needs constant reassurance.
• Praise all achievements.  Don't let them pass.  If children are not praised for achievements they may think they weren't worth much and not bother trying for them again.
• Where practical, ask your child to demonstrate how they achieved what they did.
• If they have received certificates or trophies, display them prominently in your home.  Mount or frame them or make a special display case for them.
• Praise your children to others.
• When meeting with your childs teacher, emphasise their good points.  The teacher may be able to use these to improve classroom performance.  At the very least, it won't hurt for them to know that your child is a good and valued person.
• Express affection openly, including hugs.

You may be separated, but your children still need a father.  Your parenting responsibilities are still there.

Most important for you is to stay involved across all the areas of your childrens lives, including their education and social lives.

Your relationship with your childrens mother is very important to them.  Even if you are separated, work to make the relationship as effective for your children as possible.  Try to maintain joint parenting policies, with consistent rules and expectations.

Remember, regardless of the problems the two of you may have, she will always be their mother.  They need to love her. So keep your conflicts to yourself, don't involve them.

Tips

• Write when you cannot visit.
• Send a postcard to let them know you are thinking of them.
• Use e-mail and SMS.
• Use the phone, at a time that will be convenient to them.
• Tell your child bedtime stories over the phone.
• Vary the context of your involvement.  Try not to see your children always in the same place, especially if you do not live with them.
• Plan in advance the time you will spend together.
• Play internet games online together, and don't get too upset when you are beaten!
• When together spend quality time. Build puuzzles, play board games, have a picnic, go for a bike ride, go swimming, or just out for coffee and a chat.  Spend good interactive time together, not just time together.
• Keep the guilt factor out.  Spoiling your children out of guilt is not good in the long run for the realtionship, kids latch onto this eventually and would rather have time with you rather than gifts etc.
• Be affectionate.  Reassure them consistently of how much you love them and how proud you are of them.
• Make a plan to be at as many school functions as is possible.  Even if you only get to watch one netball/soccer match, your children will remember it.
• If you say you are going to be there, BE THERE!

You feel responsible, right? You also feel like a failure as a parent.  But here's a thought.  Be Patient. You've taught your child the difference between right and wrong, and you've shown it in the way you've lived your own life.  A change in their heart may be just around the corner.  In the meantime, show them unconditional love.  Let them know that no matter what they've done or said, you will always love them.  Finally, when they want to come back home, welcome them with celebration and open arms.

Learning begins at birth.  Every moment you and a child are together you are creating memorable learning experiences.  Through touching, seeing, hearing, moving and playing with a child you are building self-confidence and opening doors to a world of unlimited possibilities.  The values you are teaching a child - how he/she behaves towards others and how he/she thinks and feels about him/her self are the results of the love and guidance you continually give.  Self-Esteem is how a person feels about him/her self.  Developing good self-esteem will help the child become a happy, loving and capable person.

Are you ready to hear it.....?

I'm talking about your job as a parent.  One of the best ways to find out how you're really doing is to ask.  But be prepared, kids are brutally honest and will usually say things we might not be ready to hear.

"You work to much Mom", "You don't play with me enough Dad", "You were mean to me when you came home last night from work". "You're always grumpy at the end of the day", "You embarrassed me when....."

Now that you have been forewarned go ask them "How am I doing as a parent?".

The important thing here is to listen, really listen - without interrupting or defending yourself.  Take their answers seriously and take them to heart.

Later you can use this opportunity to discuss why you might have been in a bad mood that day or not wanted to swim with them - this could lead to them having a deeper understanding of what your day entails and you of theirs.

• Think of one or two habits or virtues that you’d like your children to develop as they mature. Come up with specific ways that you can model those attributes.

• Review the promises you have made to your kids lately. Make sure you keep them.

• Take your kids to do  work for an elderly person.

• Discuss with your wife some of the negative modeling your children are receiving from friends, peers, the media, or from you.

• Take a hard look at your daily habits and emotions. Is there room for improvement? Have you been giving your integrity enough thoughtful consideration?

• Make sure you pick up your clothes and keep your room tidy.

• When the car or a major appliance breaks down, show your children how to handle the problem positively.

• Explain to your children why you have voted for a particular candidate instead of another.

• Always be extra considerate of your wife. Help her with tasks around the house; hold doors open for her; compliment her in your children’s presence.

• Ask your children often: "How can I help?"

Ken Canfield